Disarming the Narcissist
Understanding, Navigating, and Healing from Narcissistic Dynamics
“Empathy is not agreement. Boundaries are not rejection. Compassion is not compliance.”
— Wendy T. Behary
In Disarming the Narcissist, therapist Wendy Behary offers a powerful roadmap for navigating relationships with narcissistic individuals. Rooted in schema therapy and clinical casework, the book helps readers understand narcissism not as a term overused in social circles and on social media platforms, but as a disorder with distinct vulnerabilities and dynamics.
🔍 What Is Narcissism… Really?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is often misunderstood. Far from being merely self-centered, individuals with NPD tend to display a constellation of traits that include:
Grandiosity
Lack of empathy
Need for excessive admiration
Sensitivity to perceived criticism
Entitlement
But what’s often missed is the deep vulnerability behind the mask: a fragile sense of self, rooted in early developmental wounds, shame, and unmet emotional needs.
Clinical Insight: Narcissism often stems from unmet core emotional needs in childhood—such as unconditional love, healthy limits, and validation—which evolve into defensive strategies like perfectionism, control, or emotional detachment (Behary, 2021).
🧠 Understanding the Narcissistic Mindset
Wendy Behary’s work is grounded in Schema Therapy, a model that combines elements of CBT, attachment theory, and emotion-focused therapy. She helps us understand narcissistic behavior as a reaction to deep schemas like:
🧩 Defectiveness/Shame
🚫 Emotional Deprivation
👑 Entitlement/Grandiosity
These schemas form the foundation of narcissistic defenses. Instead of seeking connection or accountability, narcissists often react with rage, avoidance, or blame-shifting when their fragile self-image is threatened.
🧬 Research Spotlight: Neuroimaging studies suggest that individuals with narcissistic traits show heightened activity in brain regions associated with self-referential thinking and decreased activity in empathy-related circuits (Fan et al., 2011).
🛠️ Strategies for Disarming the Narcissist
Behary’s approach is not about fixing or placating the narcissist—it’s about empowering yourself through clarity, boundaries, and strategic communication.
1. 🧘♀️ Manage Your Triggers
Before engaging, take time to understand your own schemas. If you tend to over-function, avoid conflict, or seek approval, these patterns can leave you vulnerable to manipulation.
Therapist Tip: Practice “mindful pauses” before responding. Learn to self-soothe and regulate your own emotional reactions.
2. 🧭 Set Compassionate, Clear Boundaries
Behary teaches us that empathy does not mean tolerance of mistreatment. Use calm, assertive communication that mirrors back behavior and sets limits.
Example:
“I hear that you’re upset. I want to talk about this, but I won’t stay in a conversation where I’m being insulted.”
Evidence-Based Practice: Assertiveness training and schema mode awareness can help reduce reactivity and increase boundary-setting effectiveness (Young et al., 2003).
3. 🧩 Use Strategic Empathy
Strategic empathy is not enabling—it’s a way of softening defenses so you can be heard.
Instead of calling out the narcissist's ego, use language that helps them feel respected while maintaining your truth.
Try:
“I know how much you value being seen as competent, so I want to give you honest feedback that might actually help you succeed.”
This disarms the narcissistic defense system long enough for a healthier dialogue to emerge.
4. 🛡️ Know When to Let Go
Not all relationships with narcissists can—or should—be preserved. If the dynamic becomes chronically abusive, unpredictable, or psychologically damaging, self-preservation becomes the priority.
Reminder: Safety—emotional, physical, and psychological—should always take precedence over reconciliation.
🌱 Healing for Those Impacted by Narcissism
Living in the orbit of a narcissist can leave deep psychological wounds. Many clients report:
Chronic self-doubt
Hypervigilance
Guilt over expressing needs
Loss of identity
Therapeutic support can help individuals:
Rebuild a sense of self
Heal from complex trauma
Recognize and rewire internalized messages of unworthiness
🧠 Evidence-Based Modalities: Schema therapy, EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and somatic-based therapies have shown promise in treating narcissistic abuse survivors.
📚 Closing Reflections
Wendy Behary’s Disarming the Narcissist doesn’t ask us to coddle narcissism—it empowers us to understand it, confront it wisely, and protect our well-being. Whether you're a clinician, a survivor, or someone navigating a complicated relationship, the message is clear:
✨ You can be both empathic and empowered.
✨ You can hold compassion and hold the line.
✨ You can stop dancing around someone else's defenses—and come home to your own truth.
