When “Just Friends” Isn’t So Simple
“Most people don’t go looking for an affair. They slide into it—one seemingly innocent choice at a time.”
— Dr. Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends
In the age of constant connection—texts, DMs, late-night emails—infidelity doesn’t always begin in the bedroom. It often starts on the couch, at the office, or online, disguised as friendship.
Dr. Shirley Glass’s landmark book, Not Just Friends, revolutionized the way therapists and couples understand emotional affairs, secrecy, and the slow erosion of trust. It compassionately explains how good people can find themselves in compromising situations, and how relationships can heal, even after betrayal.
🧠 1. Affairs Aren’t Always Physical—Emotional Affairs Are Real
“Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates the trust in a committed relationship.”
Dr. Glass helped us redefine infidelity: it’s not just about sex—it’s about secrecy, emotional intimacy, and misplaced loyalty. Emotional affairs often start as close friendships that slowly cross boundaries.
📍Signs of an Emotional Affair:
Sharing more personal details with a “friend” than with your partner
Keeping the friendship a secret
Looking forward to contact more than interactions with your partner
Comparing your partner to the friend
🧠 Clinical Insight: Emotional infidelity can be even more painful than physical cheating, because it undermines the sense of being emotionally chosen.
🧱 2. The Walls and Windows Metaphor: Who Are You Letting In?
“Healthy relationships have windows between partners and walls around the relationship. Affairs invert this: they create walls between partners and windows to outsiders.”
This simple yet powerful metaphor helps clients visualize emotional boundaries.
🔄 In an affair:
The window to the partner is closed (less sharing, less connection)
The wall to the “friend” is taken down (more vulnerability, shared secrets)
🔁 In a healthy relationship:
Partners are each other’s safe harbor
Outside friendships exist, but with clear boundaries
🧠 In Practice: Ask yourself:
“Do I share more of my heart with someone outside my relationship?”
“What boundaries protect the intimacy I share with my partner?”
🔍 3. Affairs Happen in Good Relationships, Too
“Infidelity doesn’t always mean a bad marriage—it often means poor boundaries, opportunity, and unmet emotional needs.”
This idea can be liberating and unnerving—because it invites self-reflection without shame. Many clients feel blindsided because they thought everything was “fine.”
🧠 Therapist's Reframe:
Rather than framing infidelity as a sign of failure, we can view it as a rupture that reveals vulnerabilities—both in the relationship and the individuals.
🛠 For Couples Recovering from Betrayal:
Avoid the “affair script” (the idea that one partner is always the villain)
Focus on what needs were being met inappropriately—and how they can be healthily met in the relationship moving forward
🧭 4. Secrecy is the Problem—Not the Friendship
“What makes an affair is not the friendship, but the deception.”
Clients often ask: “Can I be friends with someone of the opposite sex?” The answer is: It depends on the transparency and the boundaries.
✅ Healthy friendships in committed relationships:
Are open and acknowledged by the partner
Don’t involve emotional venting about the relationship
Don’t replace connection with the primary partner
🧠 Tip for Couples:
Make your partner your go-to person again. Prioritize emotional intimacy, even in small moments—daily check-ins, shared laughter, and mutual curiosity.
💔 5. Betrayal Trauma Is Real—and Healing Is Possible
Dr. Glass offers deep compassion for betrayed partners. She validates that the emotional fallout can include:
Obsessive thoughts
Flashbacks
Loss of self-esteem
Difficulty trusting again
🧠 Therapist’s Note:
These symptoms mimic PTSD—and healing takes time, safety, and structure. Betrayed partners need both truth and trauma-informed care, not pressure to “just move on.”
🛠 Support Strategies:
Therapeutic disclosure (guided sharing of full truth)
Boundaries to restore safety
Regular check-ins about emotional state and progress
Patience for the slow process of rebuilding trust
❤️🩹 6. Relationships Can Heal—and Even Grow Stronger
“Affairs can destroy relationships—but they can also rebuild them on stronger, more conscious foundations.”
With intentional effort, some couples emerge closer, more honest, and more emotionally connected than before the affair. This takes:
Accountability without defensiveness
Empathy for the injured partner’s pain
A shared vision for what the relationship can become
🧠 In Session: Therapists often use the repair process as an opportunity to help couples redefine intimacy, improve communication, and revisit long-forgotten dreams.
✨ In Summary: Big Lessons from Not Just Friends
💔 Painful Truth 🌱 Healing Insight
Emotional affairs are real Intimacy is more than physical
Good people can make bad choices Affairs often unfold gradually
Secrecy is a form of betrayal Transparency heals
Betrayal trauma is valid Support and structure help recovery
Healing is possible Some couples come back stronger
🌿 Final Thought
Not Just Friends teaches us that infidelity is not just about sex—it’s about intimacy, vulnerability, and the delicate boundaries that protect emotional safety in relationships. Whether you're healing from betrayal or building stronger foundations, this work invites honesty, empathy, and growth.
“Affairs are not about love—they are about connection. When partners re-learn how to truly connect, love can be restored.”
