How to Truly Connect: Practicing ATTUNE for Healthier Relationships
When it comes to building strong, lasting relationships, love alone isn’t enough. Emotional connection—the sense that your partner truly gets you—is what keeps a relationship alive and thriving. This is where ATTUNE, a powerful concept developed by Drs. Julie and John Gottman, comes in.
The Gottmans have spent over four decades researching what makes relationships work. Through observing thousands of couples in their "Love Lab," they've found that emotional attunement is at the heart of happy, healthy relationships—and a key ingredient in supporting each other’s mental and emotional well-being.
So, what does it mean to attune to your partner, and how can we get better at it?
What is ATTUNE?
ATTUNE is an acronym that outlines six essential components of emotional connection:
Awareness
Turning Toward
Tolerance
Understanding
Non-defensive responding
Empathy
Let’s break each one down and explore how you can practice them in everyday life.
1. Awareness: Noticing Emotions in Yourself and Others
Being attuned starts with awareness. It means being emotionally present—noticing when your partner seems off, or when your own emotions are beginning to rise.
🌀 Try This: Pay attention to subtle shifts in body language, tone, or energy. A sigh, a silence, or a furrowed brow can be an invitation for connection.
2. Turning Toward: Responding to Bids for Connection
Partners constantly make small "bids" for attention, affection, and support—like saying, “Look at this,” or sharing something vulnerable. Turning toward means responding with interest or care, rather than ignoring or brushing off the moment.
💬 Practice: If your partner shares something—big or small—pause what you're doing and respond. Even a simple, “Tell me more,” can go a long way.
🔍 Research Insight: In the Gottmans’ studies, couples who stayed together turned toward each other's bids for connection 86% of the time, compared to 33% in couples who eventually divorced.
3. Tolerance: Accepting That Emotions Are Valid
Emotional attunement doesn't mean agreeing with everything—it means accepting that the other person's feelings are real to them.
🧘 Tip: If your partner is upset, resist the urge to “fix” it or tell them they’re overreacting. Instead, acknowledge that their feelings make sense from their point of view.
🧠 Mental Health Bonus: Tolerance builds psychological safety, which is essential for managing anxiety, depression, or trauma in relationships.
4. Understanding: Being Curious, Not Critical
Rather than judging or reacting defensively, seek to understand where your partner is coming from.
🗣️ Ask: “What happened for you?” or “Help me understand what you were feeling.”
🧠 Think of yourself as a compassionate detective—your job is to understand the why behind the emotion.
5. Non-Defensive Responding: Listening Without Reacting
When emotions run high, it's easy to get defensive. But defensiveness blocks connection. Attuning means taking a breath, calming your nervous system, and staying open—even when it’s hard.
💡 Grounding Strategy: If you feel attacked, try saying, “Let me make sure I understand you first,” before offering your perspective.
🧪 Research Note: The Gottmans found that defensiveness is one of the "Four Horsemen"—patterns that predict relationship breakdown if left unchecked. Practicing non-defensiveness is a powerful way to shift the dynamic.
6. Empathy: Feeling With Your Partner
Empathy is the heart of attunement. It’s not just saying “I understand,” but showing through your tone, touch, and presence that you're emotionally with them.
💞 Try This: Reflect back what you hear—“It sounds like you felt really overwhelmed and alone.” Then ask: “Is that right?” This simple reflection creates emotional safety and connection.
ATTUNE in Action: A Simple Everyday Example
Scenario: Your partner comes home visibly frustrated and snaps, “The traffic was awful, and everything at work was a mess.”
🚫 A disconnected response: “You’re always stressed. Just let it go.”
✅ An attuned response:
Awareness: “They seem really wound up.”
Turning Toward: “I’m here. Want to talk about your day?”
Tolerance: “It makes sense that you’re frustrated.”
Understanding: “What part of the day was the hardest?”
Non-defensive: Staying calm even if the frustration spills over.
Empathy: “That sounds so exhausting—I’m really sorry you had to deal with all that.”
Notice the difference? Attunement softens tension and builds connection—even in stressful moments.
Why ATTUNE Matters for Mental Health
When we feel seen, heard, and accepted, our nervous systems relax. Attuned relationships create emotional security, which can:
Lower anxiety and depression
Improve communication and conflict resolution
Boost trust and intimacy
Support healing from past trauma
Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman often says, “There’s no greater gift you can give your partner than your full attention and care.” ATTUNE is how we give that gift every day.
Final Thoughts: It's a Practice, Not Perfection
No one gets this right 100% of the time. What matters most is the intention to show up, stay curious, and keep trying. When couples make an effort to attune to each other, it transforms their relationship into a space where both people feel supported, understood, and loved—exactly as they are.
🧠 Want to Learn More?
Check out The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work or Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman for more research-based insights and practical tools to strengthen your connection.
