💞 How We Love: Understanding Your Love Style to Transform Your Relationships
By Milan & Kay Yerkovich
Have you ever felt stuck in the same argument with your partner—again and again—and wondered, “Why does this keep happening?” Or maybe you’ve struggled to express your needs, stay emotionally present, or feel truly understood in love.
In their deeply insightful book, How We Love, marriage and family therapists Milan and Kay Yerkovich uncover a simple but powerful truth:
The way we love as adults is shaped by how we were loved as children.
By exploring the five love styles rooted in attachment and childhood experiences, the Yerkoviches help us connect the dots between our past and present. This book isn't just about information—it's a healing roadmap for transforming relationships from the inside out.
🌱 What Are “Love Styles”?
Love styles are emotional and relational imprints based on early caregiving. They influence how we handle closeness, conflict, emotions, and needs in adult relationships.
According to the Yerkoviches, these love styles develop in childhood as adaptive strategies. As adults, they often become invisible patterns that cause disconnection, misunderstanding, or reactivity.
💡 The 5 Love Styles
1. The Avoider
Grew up in a home that valued performance over emotion
Learned to minimize needs and emotions
Feels overwhelmed by emotional intensity
Tends to shut down or withdraw in conflict
🛠️ Healing practice: Learn to feel and express emotions safely. Begin to trust that needs are valid and welcome.
2. The Pleaser
Grew up in a tense, unpredictable, or critical environment
Learned to be hyper-attuned to others to stay safe
Fears disapproval or conflict, avoids confrontation
Often loses self in relationships
🛠️ Healing practice: Practice self-advocacy. Set boundaries. Embrace discomfort as a path to authenticity.
3. The Vacillator
Grew up with inconsistent connection—sometimes loved, sometimes ignored
Craves intimacy but fears abandonment
Idealizes then devalues partners when they don’t meet emotional expectations
Experiences intense emotional highs and lows
🛠️ Healing practice: Build emotional regulation. Learn to tolerate emotional discomfort and communicate needs calmly.
4. The Controller
Grew up in chaotic or unsafe homes
Learned to survive by taking control of people or environments
May struggle with anger, trust, or vulnerability
Often avoids emotional intimacy by staying “in charge”
🛠️ Healing practice: Explore the roots of control and fear. Practice safe vulnerability and emotional attunement.
5. The Victim
Often comes from abusive or traumatic backgrounds
Learned to stay small, compliant, or dissociated to survive
May feel powerless, emotionally numb, or stuck in fear
Often has difficulty asserting themselves
🛠️ Healing practice: Reclaim agency through trauma-informed work. Begin naming feelings and trusting safe relationships.
❤️ Secure Connector: The Goal
The authors introduce a sixth style: the Secure Connector—someone who is emotionally present, attuned, and capable of intimacy without fear or avoidance.
The good news?
👉 You don’t have to be born secure—you can become secure.
The book outlines specific, structured healing practices to help you "earn" secure attachment through self-awareness, reflection, and new relational habits.
🧠 What Makes This Book Stand Out?
✔️ It’s Trauma-Informed
The Yerkoviches ground their work in attachment theory, neuroscience, and emotional development. They gently reveal how early emotional neglect, chaos, or enmeshment shape love—without blame or shame.
✔️ It’s Incredibly Relatable
Real stories from couples illustrate each love style, making it easy to recognize yourself and your partner. These examples bring depth and compassion to difficult patterns.
✔️ It Offers Practical Tools
From guided journaling to structured conversations, How We Love includes step-by-step practices to unpack your style, heal emotional wounds, and communicate with more empathy.
💬 Powerful Reflection Questions
Want to start exploring your love style? Try reflecting on these:
What was the emotional climate of your home growing up?
How were emotions handled—were they welcomed, ignored, or punished?
How do you tend to react when your partner expresses emotional needs?
Do you feel safe being vulnerable—or do you shut down, please, or escalate?
What does love look and feel like to you? Has that always been true?
🛠️ One Small Practice: The Comfort Circle
The Yerkoviches created the Comfort Circle—a simple, powerful dialogue tool to practice empathy, connection, and emotional safety.
🔁 One partner shares a feeling or story
🎧 The other listens without fixing, judging, or interrupting
💬 They reflect back what they heard
❤️ Together, they explore the emotional need underneath
This tool helps couples build secure connection—through practice, not perfection.
🌿 Final Thoughts
How We Love reminds us that love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a skill, shaped by our past and nurtured in the present. Whether you're anxious, avoidant, reactive, or just curious, this book offers a compassionate mirror and a map.
You are not broken.
You learned to survive the way you did.
Now, you can learn to love in a way that brings safety, intimacy, and healing.
📚 Want to Go Deeper?
Read How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Take the free Love Style Quiz at howwelove.com
Try therapy that focuses on attachment, couples work, or inner child healing
Explore your Comfort Circle weekly with a trusted partner or friend
